Steel
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Posters for various comic book movies are shown as NC speaks) NC (voiceover): Comic book movies are all the rage, aren’t they? From Iron Man to Spider-Man and so forth, comic books have become huge box office gold. But this isn’t the first time comic books sold movie tickets. Film series like “Superman,” “Batman” and “The Crow” were all big hits that brought in big bucks in the past, but in the mid-‘90s, the superhero film started to die out, and it would take almost a decade to get rolling again. NC: While a lot of bad movies were made, one in particular many people declared at the time the actual DEATH…of the comic book movie. And who better to cut off the head of a successful industry than the master of cinematic blandness, Shaquille O’Neal? This is “Steel.” (The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) NC (voiceover): You’d think after Kazaam, Shaquille O’Neal would have learned his lesson: To leave acting to…well…actors. But he tried one last attempt to get hip with the youngsters by playing a DC superhero. But give him some credit, though…he’s tall. So, why is this film declared so horribly bad? NC: Let’s get this over with and find out. (The film begins) NC (voiceover): So we start off in what I assume is the Hundred Acre Wood where military experts seem to be reenacting the opening to Short Circuit. (A scene of military experts shooting at an army tank is shown, along with footage of “Short Circuit” briefly) Unfortunately, our hero is far more robotic in tone. It’s Shaquille O’Neal, playing army solider John Henry Irons. Sparky (a female army solider): Nice shootin’, Johnny. John: Thanks, Sparky. (He smiles) NC: My God! He’s still acting like he’s posing for a commercial! John: Thanks, Sparky. (He smiles with the Baskin Robbins logo appearing beside his head and the tagline “Death Rays” below it) NC (voiceover): So Shaq, it turns out, is an inventor, creating high-tech laser guns, protective armor for his team, (speaks in a cutesy voice) and just the cutest little handshake with his partner, Sparky. NC: This is gonna be an army of fun! (He gives a thumbs up and grins) NC (voiceover): But one soldier, played by Judd Nelson, wants to show off exactly what the gun can really do. So he puts it at the highest setting, resulting in…A SLOW-MO SHOT! John: Nathaniel, NO! NC: (as John, approaching the camera in slow-motion) NOOOOOO! (Nathaniel Burke (Judd Nelson) presses the button and fires a giant sound wave that bounces off a building and returns back to the same building where it was originally fired from, causing a small part of the building to crumble) NC (voiceover): Yeah, so apparently, if you put it at the highest setting, it results in the “I am rubber, you are glue” effect. (The same scene is played again, but with a cartoon bounce sound-effect added in) NC (voiceover): This results in Sparky getting crushed by a pretty bouncy piece of concrete. John: SPARKY! NC (voiceover): Shaq tries to help her out, but unfortunately, Styrofoam walls are his only weakness! Bolt (from “Bolt”): You don’t know the power of Styrofoam! (John struggles to lift up the piece of concrete that’s crushing Sparky; we then suddenly cut to a courtroom scene) NC (voiceover): Oh! Uhh…anyway…on “Night Court”… John: Burke did it, sir. Army Major: Thank you, Lieutenant. That’s all. NC (voiceover): So Nelson is dismissed from the army as Shaq tries to figure out what should be done with the incredible fire power in their hands. Colonel David (Charlie Napier): We can’t turn our backs on this kind of potential fire power! John: Maybe you can’t, but after what happened to Sparks, I can! (He gives a salute) Sir! NC: You know, I’m running out of things to say about Shaquille O’Neal’s acting. Frankenstein isn’t as stiff. NC (voiceover): Because of what the guns did to Sparky, Shaq decides he wants to go back home while Nelson decides he wants to sell his high-tech guns TO EVIL! So who does he find to be the leader of the underground crime scene? None other than an arcade game manufacturer! OF COURSE! Burke: But I understand you’re still selling hot weapons. Manufacture Owner: I’m a legitimate businessman. Burke: How would you like to help me deal the next generation of super weapons? NC: Wow. Bender really did turn into a psycho after “Breakfast Club.” Burke: Give me a little seed money for the prototypes, I’ll do a little advertising, and we’ll be partners. NC: (as Burke) And I’m only offering this because you remind me of my cocker spaniel. I have a real soft spot for those dogs. NC (voiceover): So Shaq goes back home, which I swear is the house from “Up,” as he gets reacquainted with his grandma and— (Grandma Odessa and Ray J loudly shush John as he walks in) NC: (whispers) Oh, uh, who’s very happy to see him. (pauses) Why are we whispering? Grandma Odessa: It’s supposed to be a soufflé. John: A soufflé? Grandma Odessa: ‘Til you come stormin’ in. NC: We’re talking softly because it’ll upset the soufflé? Grandma Odessa: How am I ever supposed to master the art of French cooking when you keep crashin’ in here like James Brown? (sings) I feel good, nanananananana! NC (voiceover): So, just to recap: armed weapons, soufflés, and crazy grandmas. I think we’re in for a wild ride! Grandma Odessa: It’s supposed to be all light and fluffy and full of air. NC: You know, like your head! NC (voiceover): Oh, and she also lives with some kid who I guess is his…son? Nephew? I don’t know, it doesn’t actually explain very well. (Clips of Ray J. talking jive are shown as NC reacts in surprise and confusion to all this) Ray J: Now, you need stud. Hey, why are you player-hatin’? I got all kind of crazy honey sweatin’ me. One of my homeys snagged me down to work at a place called “Dan-tastic,” filled with this pound meat, man. How can they make Mad Crane be mad powerful? NC: Can somebody get a dictionary? It’s like if Chris Tucker was translated by Eddie Griffin! NC (voiceover): So we cut back to Nelson who seems to be transporting the laser gun for regular arcade games. NC: Geesh, maybe arcade games do induce violence. NC (voiceover): They get into a group of gang members who are told to test it out by robbing a bank. (A bum using a shopping cart crosses the street in which the gang members’ car is driving through) NC (voiceover): (speaking like Chester A. Bum and dubbing for the bum in the movie) Change! Ya got change—OH, MY GOD, THEY’RE FILMING A SHAQ MOVIE! I’M OUTTA HERE! (The gang members use the laser gun to break into the bank and can’t stop shouting as they rob inside the bank) Gang member: Show me the money, man! Show Slats the money! NC (voiceover): You know, for people who don’t wanna get caught, they sure do make a shitload of noise. (The shouting from the gang members continue) SHUT UP! But it’s OK, because Shaq is riding with…some random cop person who we’ll never see again…as she’s called in to stop the bank robbery while on duty. Ray J: (riding along with John and the police woman) Let’s get ready to rumble! NC (voiceover): (as John) Hey, leave the shitty dialogue to me, kid. (Normal) So as they ride to the scene, the robbers are being fought off by probably the prissiest guy to ever hold a gun. NC (as the prissy male cop, pretending to shoot) Oh! Bang, bang, you mean old brutes! NC (voiceover): As the situation gets more heated, everybody proceeds to get out of the car EXCEPT FOR THE COP! HELLO! Police Woman: (speaking into a squad box) Officers down at 2218 6th Street. We got a big problem here. NC: (laughs) Doesn’t the fact that officers are down already indicate that there’s a big problem? (as the police woman) Officers down! We got a big problem here! I do not care for the way that this series of events are unraveling! Nope, not at all! NC (voiceover): So the thugs use their weapons again, and—wouldn’t you know it?—the cop in the car gets injured. Gee, if only she did—oh, I don’t know—''anything''? (John holds the injured police woman while she’s on the ground) Police Woman: Johnny. (She dies) (John looks up to where the robbers are and gets angry) John: It’s on now. NC: (as John) Yep. Guess I’m angry now. You can tell by the incredibly harsh tone in my voice. Mmm-hmm, I’m angry. (John starts to go after one of the robbers) NC (voiceover): (as John) You think you’re gonna get away from me, but you’re not, because it’s on. (The robber slides between two locked steel gate doors) John: Come here! NC (voiceover): (as John) A gate? Nah. Gates can’t hold me, especially when it’s on. (John removes an entire gate door with his bare hands; a train employee sees the robber trespassing through a train lot) Train Employee: Hey! (The robber punches the train employee, and the employee lays unconscious with his head resting on the railroad tracks; John pulls the employee away from an approaching train in the nick of time before resuming his chase) NC (voiceover): (as John) Well, that just magnifies the amount of on-ness that’s goin’ on right now. Did I mention it’s on? It’s on. (Normal) So we get a chase scene between the gang member and Shaq as they run back and forth between an onslaught of slow-moving freight trains. (The scene with John chasing the robber between moving freight trains is presented, though not much tension is shown here) NC (voiceover): I’m sorry, who thought this would be an exciting idea? People and very slow-moving freight trains. The boredom really just leaps off the screen, doesn’t it? (The scene continues a bit) NC: Oh, G—, this isn’t an action movie! It’s a game of “Frogger”! (The same scene is shown again, but with sound effects and music from the “Frogger” game being added in) NC (voiceover): So Shaq’s left behind, as it looks like the little hoodlum escapes and— (John appears out of nowhere to nab the robber) NC (voiceover): Oh! OK, I guess Shaquille O’Neal can time warp! John: Tell me where you found it (the weapon), or you’re gonna find my fist in your mouth! NC (voiceover): But Shaq gets shot, too, as the gang members get away. But Shaq isn’t gonna take this sitting down, for he partakes in what I like to call “The Talking Through Your Teeth Monologues.” (Clips of John talking through his teeth are shown) John: I had it in my hand, sir! John: Sonic Eliminator! John: I ain’t playin’. John: What difference does that make? John: Where the hell are they? NC: (as John) I’m so angry, I just got my jaw wired shut. It’s a common side effect with the Shaq attack. NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, at…pirate leather bar, the gang members celebrate their victory as they see themselves mentioned on the news. Female New Anchor: The police have no clues as to the perpetrators of this amazing… Head Gangster (wearing an eyepatch): (to the other excited gang members) That’s your laser, kid! That’s it right there! NC (voiceover): You know, these have got to be the dumbest criminals in movie history! NC: (as the excited gang members) Yeah, that’s us! That’s us, everybody! We robbed that bank! We robbed that bank! Hey, go tell those cops over there; they’ll be so jealous. NC (voiceover): So Shaq comes in and locates the not-exactly-hard-to-identify-robbers. John: I just wanna know where your boy got their weapon from. Head Gangster: Oh, yeah, well…you know what? I’d like to know that, too. John: (leans in closer) Where’d you get the weapon from? NC: (as John) Don’t make me use a curse word. NC (voiceover): By the way, what bar just advertises “Beer”? (Close-up on a plain neon sign on the bar wall that simply says “BEER”) That’s pretty generic, isn’t it? NC: Oh, yeah! I’ve always been a fan of “Beer” beer! It’s almost as good as “Burger” burgers! NC (voiceover): So he doesn’t get any answers and leaves the bar. To make things worse, his pal Sparky got transferred to a veteran’s hospital where apparently she’s not very happy. (as John) Aww, man, I gotta do drama now. (John approaches Sparky, kneels next to her and gently grabs her wrist) John: Must be awful for you. I could imagine how you feel. Sparky: No. (smiles a bit) You can’t. John: You’re right. I can’t. NC (voiceover): I’m sorry, there was a superhero in this movie, right? I mean, it’s been 37 minutes, and there hasn’t even been a whisper about going out to fight crime! Sparky: Yeah, I’d be a big help on the streets. John: What are you gonna do, just sit here and look out the filthy windows? NC: It’d be more entertaining than watching this piece of crap! (John gets up to break open a pair of window doors, breaking the glass into pieces; all the veterans in the room turn to notice this) NC: (gasps) He opened a window! How daring! Sparky: I can’t! John: Girl, you outta here. (He goes over to start picking up Sparky while she’s in her chair) Sparky: What are you doing? No! John: Listen, Sparks. Sometimes you don’t get a choice about things. (His eyebrows go up and down as he speaks the following) This is a prime example of “shit happening.” NC: (as John, lifting his eyebrows up and down) And this is a prime example of eyebrow spasms. NC (voiceover): So he carries Sparky out of the hospital as the other vets applaud. Why? (pauses) I-I really don’t know. Maybe carrying wheelchairs just excites them! NC: (as one of the veterans, applauding) This is even more exciting than that time I dangled my keys in front of my own face! NC (voiceover): So Shaq takes her to a junkyard where apparently he put a CRIME LAB together. (Pauses) Uhh, yeah! Forgot to show us that scene! Sparky: Johnny, what exactly am I supposed to be doing here? John: The same thing you did in the army. We make our own kind of weapons to take out the ones in the streets. NC: Because that’s the solution! Get rid of guns by creating even more guns. Duh! Sparky: It’s gonna take a lot more than that. Uncle Joe (Richard Roundtree): Just make me a list, darlin’! (to John) Now don’t just stand there, beefcake. NC (voiceover): SHAFT?! NC: NOOOO!! (sobs and places his head on his desk and places both hands behind his head) NC (voiceover): What did they do to ya, man? How did you go from Shaft to Shit?! Uncle Joe: Slam bam, thank you, ma’am…somethin’ or other. NC (voiceover): (singing a la Isaac Hayes from “Shaft”) Who’s the private dick whose film career just went to shit? Background Singers: Shaft! (The accompanying text is shown) NC: You’re damn right. (sniffles and wipes away a tear) NC (voiceover): So while working on crime…labby…stuff, Sparky falls off her wheelchair and is unable to get back up. (Uncle Joe tries to go over, but John stops him) NC (voiceover): (as John) Wait. This oughta be funny. (Sparky grabs onto the leg of a work table and pulls herself up) NC (voiceover): (as John) See? I told ya. This is hilarious. (Sparky successfully gets back into her wheelchair) John: Yes! Told you. Yes. NC: (has his arms folded) Well, our work here is done. We did absolutely nothing. (spreads his arms apart) Helping out is easy! NC (voiceover): So progress finally starts to happen at Shaquille O’Neal’s Playhouse as our team builds all sorts of gadgets and even a metal suit. Sparky even creates an audio device so they can hear one another. Sparky: (tests out the audio device) How do you read? NC: (as John) Not well. I said “Yes” to this script, didn’t I? John: (notices a very large tool) What is this? Sparky: A man named John Henry just gotta have a hammer. Uncle Joe: Well, I did the metal work. I especially like the shaft. (The audience boos) NC: BOO! (throws a piece of garbage at the camera) BOO! John: It might get a little dangerous. Sparky: I laugh at danger. Uncle Joe: (dances in place) I boogie around danger like a soul train dancer. NC (voiceover): OH, STOP! NC: STOP! You’re Shaft, goddamn it! How are you supposed to be a sex machine to all the chicks like that? NC (voiceover): So Shaq finally puts on the superhero suit and rides off into the night to fight crime. John (now dressed as Steel): (appears walking in the shadows) Just give them their stuff back, and we won’t have a problem. Thief: I ain’t got no problem! Steel: (appears in full presence in his superhero suit) Oh, yes, you do. NC: (points and laughs hysterically) OK, OK, where’s the hidden camera? NC (voiceover): By the way, is it me, or is this a very rubbery metal mask? (A green arrow points to a part of John’s mask that looks rubbery) Steel: (returns the stolen money to a middle-aged couple) I think this belongs to you. Man: (takes the money) Thank you. (Steel nods once before backing up onto an escalator and rides upward) Steel: Y’all be cool now. NC: Really? An escalator? You can’t…fly, so you use an escalator? NC (voiceover): (speaks heroically) Do not fear! I shall continue to stop crime in the second floor clothing department! (Two Hispanic thugs drive their car around a corner and stop) Hispanic Thug: Damn, homey! What the hell is that? NC: Oh, hey! I didn’t know Angry Joe was in this movie! Steel: Now put the gun down and there won’t be any trouble! (The Hispanic thugs fire their guns at Steel, but the bullets bounce off of his metal suit) NC: AIM FOR THE MOUTH! (The Hispanic thugs drive their car toward Steel, but Steel readies a weapon) Sparky: Johnny! Steel: It’s Hammer Time! (Steel fires the weapon, which launches a sound wave that stops the car and makes the thugs fly through the front windshield) NC: Oh, “It’s Hammer Time,” huh? What, did “Let's green eggs and ham it!” go out of style? NC (voiceover): Actually, you may notice that there’s a lot of lines taken from other movies in this film. Steel: It’s hammer time! Sparky: It isn’t easy being green. Uncle Joe: I’m gettin’ too old for this. Ray J: Let’s get ready to rumble! NC: (sits with his laptop and types on it) Hold on! The Internet Movie Database may still have some other catchphrases that nobody uses anymore! (He stops typing) “Let’s get…juggy with it.” NC (voiceover): So he gets pulled over by the cops, because…aw, hell, you need a reason? (Steel fires a grappling hook to the top of a building and gets pulled upward) NC: (as one of the cops) Damn! He’s very unimpressively getting away! (Steel runs across the top of the building and reaches the edge to jump to another building’s ledge) Uncle Joe: Oh! (Steel grabs onto the ledge of the other building) Uncle Joe: Damn fool! NC (voiceover): (sighs) This is the most unimpressive superhero I’ve ever seen! NC: (as Steel) Slow and steady wins the race. NC (voiceover): So he jumps off the building and falls into the garbage where he belongs. Thankfully, he just happened to put his bike right next to that particular dumpster as he outruns the cops and makes it to his quote-unquote “shack.” Cop #1: Where’d that son of a butt go? Cop #2: …The Bat Cave? NC: We’ve stolen from just about every other superhero cliché, so…yeah, why not? NC (voiceover): So I guess they consider tonight a success, if you count stopping two criminals and causing thousands of dollars in property damage a success. John: Sparky. I don’t know what I’d do without you. (John smiles and reaches a finger out to touch fingers with Sparky; a white light glows between them, and the “E.T. The Extra Terrestrial” theme music is played here) NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Nelson and the head gangster meet in a public place so that they don’t draw attention to themselves. Yeah, because I would never take a second glance at these two clowns, would I? Burke: Never underestimate your enemy. You keep your gold out of sight. Eat the hot dog, don’t be one. NC: This is why they had to steal their lines from other movies, because when you hear their normal dialogue, it’s…pretty bad. NC (voiceover): So Steel goes looking for more criminals to fight and—(Cut to the inside of the truck with Steel, Uncle Joe and a Labrador retriever sitting in the front) Yeah, this image really strikes the fear into the hearts of men! NC: A dog, an out-of-work actor, and a muscle-bound light pole in an ice-cream truck. They look like birthday entertainers! NC (voiceover): But the laser-gun gang is still on the loose as they plan to hold up yet another bank. (The gang uses a weapon to shut off all electricity in the bank, thereby bringing down the tight security; the head gangster laughs in triumph, though a bit oddly; NC mocks the head gangster’s laughter) NC (voiceover): So they break into the place, and—as you’d imagine—they never shut the hell up! (The scene with the robbers shouting as they rob the bank is shown, followed by a sound effect of clucking chickens) NC (voiceover): But Sir Blacks-a-lot (Steel) comes along to save the day. Unfortunately, though, the amount of laser guns are too powerful for him to defeat. (The gang fires their sound wave weapon at Steel, who ends up flying backward into a newsstand) NC (voiceover): Wow, is this hero lame. (The gang drives away from the scene) NC (voiceover): So he visits his grandma’s house later where—(whispers) Oh, quiet! John: (whispers) Soufflé? Grandma Odessa: (whispers) I’ll get it right if it kills me. NC: (whispers) That and they’re filming a much better movie next door, so, shhhhhh. NC (voiceover) But the soufflé of silence is broken by the entry of cops who arrest Shaq under suspicion of being a crummy action star. SWAT Man: Yeah, he definitely fits the description. Grandma Odessa: For what? SWAT Woman: To be the man they call “Steel.” NC: I gotta say, this movie has GREAT suspense, like…will she ever finish the soufflé? NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Nelson is getting ready to auction off all his weapons to all the evil organizations of the world. But just how is he gonna do it? Sparky: (scoffs) In this day and age, there’s only one way. (Cut to a secret evil hideout decorated with swastika flags on the walls) Crime Boss: The Internet? Gang Member: Damn right. We can pick up all kinds of good crap. Not just porno. NC: Huh. Tell me more about this “In-tor-net.” Do you think it’ll ever catch on? NC (voiceover): So through a long, uninteresting set of events, Sparky gets Steel out of jail just in time for her to get captured herself. Steel tries to make it to Nelson’s headquarters where he thinks she’s being held, when suddenly… (A bad guy shoots the sound wave weapon at Steel, making him fall backwards through a glass wall) NC (voiceover): OK, this is the worst superhero ever! NC: He just falls and gets shot at! More of that, please! Burke: (to a group of bad guys) So please welcome Mr. warm and fuzzy himself. NC (voiceover): So they bring out Sparky, display the weapons and continue on with their evil auction. Burke: Now, gentlemen. Here’s the deal. I can supply you with weapons like these… NC (voiceover): (as Steel, who is lying down next to Burke onstage) Uhh, you’re under arrest. Burke: But unfortunately, these weapons are highly-sophisticated electronic devices… NC (voiceover): (as Steel) A-Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Burke: …which requires specialized maintenance. NC (voiceover): (as Steel) Uhm, y-you’ve got a right to an attorney… Burke: Now this isn’t really about money. NC (voiceover): (as Steel) If you cannot afford an attorney—should I get up? Auctioning Man: (points to Burke) You want power! NC (voiceover): (as Steel) Anyone? No? Burke: Now there’s an idea! NC (voiceover): (as Steel) OK. I’ll just stay down here, then. (hums to himself) Burke: You gentlemen think about this. Do you really want to be the only ones without my kind of fire power? Steel: (to Burke, after standing up) My hammer’s got more juice than that. Burke: I find that hard to believe. Steel: I’ll let my hammer speak for itself. Just hit it right there on the bottom. (Burke does, and the gun handle for the hammer pops open) Don’t turn the red switch. NC: DON’T point it to yourself. DON’T pull the trigger. DON’T fall to the ground like a bloody corpse. NC (voiceover): Of course, Steel tricks the guy as Sparky tries to help—(Sparky starts firing ammo from her wheelchair) Holy shit! That kicks ass! (Sparky continues firing at the bad guys with her wheelchair) NC (voiceover): OK, obviously this chick should have been the superhero the whole time. Better tools, better character, better backstory, something went horribly wrong in development. (The bad guys fire at Steel, to which their ammo bounces off his suit) NC (voiceover): That’s right, fire some more! Because it worked SO WELL in the past! So somehow, that annoying kid from before ends up in the mix as one of the thugs locks them in a room and throws a grenade. Ray J: There’s no way out! There’s no way out! (He spots a hole in the wall up above them) Up there! Throw it! Quick! (points upward) Throw it! Steel: I never make these! Ray J: OK, bend your knees… NC (voiceover): OK, grenades do not take this long to explode. You can’t perform an entire comedy routine while the explosion waits quietly. NC: If this scene was the least bit realistic, it’s be like… Steel: I never make these! Ray J: OK, bend your knees… (The grenade explodes in a flash of white light) NC (voiceover): Now, to the film’s credit, this scene does lead to one very funny reaction. (Steel successfully throws the grenade through the hole, and it lands near a thug) Thug: NO! (The grenade explodes, killing the thug; Steel and Ray J shield themselves away from the explosion) NC: (laughs) That’s a little funny. NC (voiceover): So they defeat the bad guys, Steel walks away without getting caught, and all the weapons are destroyed. NC: But one crucial piece of information still remains! (beat) Did Grandma ever perfect the soufflé? (Grandma Odessa presents her perfected soufflé) NC (voiceover): SHE DID! (NC spreads his arms with joy and smiles upward as we hear “Ode to Joy” and cut to the main group applauding for Grandma Odessa’s perfect soufflé) NC: (applauds) Well done, Grandma, well done. I’m sure it’ll be a much better actor than HALF THE PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE! (Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks) NC (voiceover): So how bad is “Steel”? …Really bad. People say this killed the comic book movie for a while. Well, I can see why. This was just an attempt to give someone who shouldn’t have a movie career a movie career, so they figure giving this guy a lesser-known DC comic character would certainly be the way to go. NC: But look on the bright side. At least he didn’t play Wonder Woman. (pauses) And yes, I’m gonna spare you that image. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—HA! (An image of Wonder Woman is shown with Shaquille O’Neal’s face superimposed over hers) NC (voiceover): LET IT HAUNT YOUR NIGHTMARES! (He laughs evilly) THE END Thug: NO! Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:DC Comics Category:Warner Bros Category:Transcripts